Ovan-Rebirth

As my vision unblurs And the mirror comes into focus I find my face full of burst capillaries Now a very familiar sight any evening of the week I give a forced, awkward smile Wishing I could feel this all throughout the next day This exuberance, this confidence But I know it will fade As do all good feelings I know At least I can look forward to feeling this again The following evening

Another drink, another rush of lightheadedness Waiting for the inexorable wash of sleep to overtake me To take me somewhere worthy of a dream Or perhaps not to dream at all Not to be haunted by memories I can no longer grasp Coming to terms with mistakes Waking up more tired than when I went to sleep I wish not to wake up with regrets heavy upon my heart Just this once Please grant me this Just for one night

A proper alcoholic will always find an excuse Tonight: "I've cut the inside of my cheek; I'd better sterilize it."

Though I may be lacking in faith, I have been deeply touch by the spirit, On a nightly basis, In the depths of my stomach, And in the lightness in my head.

I want to know love again Have become to familiar with the void Lacking feeling, lacking substance Only having substance abuse It helps to create feeling Or kill it off I'm not quite sure yet Either way I won't complain I'm sick of the tears Even when they won't come I'm sick of that wrenching feeling Rather feel the slick heat Of fire water on the back of my throat

I love you despite your flaws, your imperfections No Because of them Every scar, every loss, every memory Has made you who you are I know that I'm clean Most of my flaws are self wrought I try to be like you I try to be SOMEBODY You have a special kind of beauty On that I can trust One that can heal me because you know pain You are not an imitation as I am Your travels and scars have made somebody out of you A person For me to love And despise

At this point, I have given up What's the point in trying? I am constantly disappointed in myself Even when I do feel pride I find a way to ruin that too I know that I'm fucking myself over Well that's just fine Maybe everything else can be as disappointed As I am in myself

I am ready to give in For good this time I've lost purpose Do not know how to continue Fallen into old ways that I'd left behind Picked up new habits that I shouldn't Coping with each day by merely making it through I hope for motivation I hope for salvation Neither seem right for me My hope returns in a bottle I have not yet polished off And is quickly dashed against a sidewalk once emptied I wish that I wanted to exist instead of fading into shadow Instead of wanting to give in

Flask full of whiskey Playing some old, sad music Trapped in my damned thoughts

It is easy to be cruel to those you care for and who care for you in return Knowing that forgiveness always awaits you Some chance for redemption But eventually you hit the limit A stopping force to break you once and for all Plunging into the depths alone and despised